Nelly's Not The Prophet!!

Brothas and Sistas, Nelly is a rapper not the Prophet! When he wrote the song: IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE - SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES, that was not a revelation and he was not taking to us. Really I should just say sistas cause the brothas are keeping their clothes on (even the pre and post mission clothes from 5 years ago... Shout out to brotha Stephen L , I kinda got your back, I said KINDA) :). Now this is something that ya'll won't hear at General Conference. Why you ask, cause the General Relief Society President is more like Aunt Bea and less like Madea. However, there's a few members of the church that are like **Madea and if you ever have the opportunity to meet them you will gain an immediate testimony of modesty, or want to leave the church.

I know you're wondering how I know all this, and if I've had the opportunity to meet such refreshingly honest women... Well, let's just say I have a testimony of modesty! Yes, it was baptism by fire! No, there are no pictures! Yes, I feel blessed and highly favored! Yes, my feelings were hurt! No, I didn't leave the church. Yes sistas all is well in zion... Now!

Stop trying to make things sexy that aren't. If a police woman walked up to my car to give me a ticket dressed the way some of the female officers dress for Halloween, I would have her arrested for sexual assualt. Nobody wants to see a pregnant nun, or stripper L.D.S. Missionary, it ain't cute! Sistas let's stop trying to make stuff sexy thats not sexy! Nurses, really? A maids costume? If your answer is yes, don't be surprised if your husband expects you to clean in that. When did animals become sexy? Animals... Really? Some of the most profound things I've learned in my adult life I've learned from my Madea. Who would probably tell us not to let Halloween turn nice housewives into modest hoes.

It's time for us to return back to basics! Where being an animal meant being fully clothed. Dressing like a nurse meant if you walked into a hospital they'd put you to work. And dressing like a maid meant you looked like you could clean places where dirt and dust collected, not that you were trying to collect other peoples husbands. Sistas we have got to stop trying to look like "sexy teens", so that our teens won't be trying to look like "sexy women". We are all beautiful, and some of us really do have "sweet spirits". It's time that we once again proclaim, "I'm Mormon, I can't". No, let's switch that "I'm Mormon, I won't". I won't dress immodest, I won't be the Naughty Angel, no matter how heavenly it might seem. I won't embarrass my whole entire church by going on Dr. Phil (my own personal issue thought I'd throw it in). Sistas I'm not trying to throw ya'll under the bus, I'm just saying we have gotten outta control. Lets save something for our husbands in the privacy of our own homes. There's no need for us to try to solve all the unsolved mysteries of Halloween. Our new motto should be we are "treats not tricks" . Please stop telling folks " I'm a dead swimmer" so you can wear a bikini (Renee)!

We don't really want our dear Prophet to have to address this issue again. Asking us how we went from being Celestial Wholesome Queens on the 30 of Oct., to Naughty, Naked, and Obscene on 31 of Oct. What a difference a day makes! I don't want President Monson calling Madea. Don't be fooled, the LDS Church has a couple different versions of Madea! Trust me, we got a Madea that speaks every language, even suburbia. What are your thoughts on Halloween? All caution has a cost - "I'm taking my garments off"!! Or does being modest make you spiritually strong - "I'm keeping my garments on"!


** (Mother Dear = usually grandma, sometimes an older woman in the community not always related. Almost always Black) is about to educate ya'll without putting you through the public humiliation.

Sista Beehive

Read more...

Don't Make Us Do the Sheri Dew

Ok guys, I hate to pick on you, but you make yourselves such easy targets. I don’t know what it is, but some of the worst pick up lines I have ever heard come from Mormon men. Maybe it’s because they don’t drink, does drinking give you swagger? Every time I hear “My Liahona is pointing at you?” I throw up in my mouth, just a little. Come on are you serious, and that doesn’t even sound right. If the ratio of men to women at BYU weren’t 5 women for every 1 man, no one would be getting hitched.

MoMen you have seriously got to find some swagger and find it fast! LDS women are getting savvy. We’re not supposed to drink caffeine, but we know how to DO THE DEW!

 Sheri L. Dew

In 2003, she was described as

“the most prominent single LDS woman right now”.

Now this is a Sista who is not having it, those rusty pick lines are not working on her. She can do bad all by herself.

Look boys, going on a Mission is nice and all, but I don’t care how cool you thought those clothes were two years ago, they are not in style anymore. Step your game up Brothas! Stop going to dances and saying how grateful you are for Martin Harris, cause if it weren’t for him we would be 116 pages further apart. Stop telling us you found a way for women to hold the priesthood, and then trying to get us to hug you.

Now ladies, you know why they keep doing it? Cause some of ya’ll are giggling and acting like it’s cute. STOP! That’s why you end up married for 10 years and your man is still wearing his Missionary suit.

Ok guys, so you have now been officially schooled. We don’t want to hear it! Don’t tell us you recognize our name from your patriarchal blessing, that when you came to church you knew you would feel the spirit, but you didn’t know you would see an angel. We don’t want the gift of tongues bestowed upon us, and yes we do obey the
Word of Wisdom even though we are SMOKING…Hot.

And Sistas, next time a fella steps to you and says some crazy ish like “If our bodies are a temple, where can I get a recommend to yours?” You better tell that fool he ain’t worthy!

What are the worst pick up lines you've heard? MoMen don't be shy, which ones have you used? Are any of these lines actually working? Are you an RM who still wears their pre-Mission clothes? How long can a Missionary suit last?

Sista Laurel

Read more...

Testimony By Invitation Only

I was once at a testimony meeting where a General Authority was visiting. A man stood up and said. "What do I need to do to be a G.A.? What do I need to do to be the first "Black Prophet"? Yes, he did! Yes, I laughed (not out loud). Yes, I wish I had a "Pink Panic Button" I would have pushed it as soon as he turned to look at the G.A. cause I knew it wasn't going to be good. It was wrong on so many different levels.

If I had the Priesthood, testimony meetings would be run a little different. Yes, they would still be highly emotional. However, members would be able to bare testimonies by invitation only. There would be instructions on what a testimony is and how one should bare it. There would be a mandatory time limit on how long a testimony should take. Stories are acceptable, however, they would have to pertain to the testimony and must be a testimony that will strengthen members of the congregation. There would be consequences for those brothas and sistas that are always breaking the rules. I would call it the "Pink Panic Button".

Although women are more emotional then men, we are less confrontational. I would never embarrass another brotha or sista by standing next to them and whispering in their ear that what they were saying was inappropriate, even if it was. Nor would I tug on a skirt or pant leg to let a person know that they've gone over the allotted time. I would simply push the "Pink Panic Button".

When the pink button is pushed the floor underneath the speaker opens up and the speaker takes a wild slide ride that leads to a room where they would have to read the article where President Monson talks about building a strong testimony, until church was over. On second thought, I don’t want the priesthood, I just want to get the "Pink Panic Button" implemented fast!

Sista Beehive

Read more...